Sleeping Dream
by ForbiddenDreams13
Summary: Kaidan wasn't all Shepard lost after her death.


The door clicked shut behind her as Shepard strode into Miranda's office. The woman in question sat behind her computer, staring at the screen, but she didn't look to be concentrating on the display before her. Rather, she simply gazed at nothing, slumped over the desk, hands clasped in front of her chin. Shepard knew that pose. Miranda was troubled. A knot squirmed in her gut. Was it Oriana again? Had the Illusive Man gone back on his word? Shepard walked up to the desk and took a seat.

"Kelly said you wanted to speak to me?"

Miranda blinked, roused from her brooding. Her eyes flicked to Shepard's, then fell from her Commander's face like a piece of scrap from the sky. "Yes. Shepard there's…" Miranda trailed off, dropping her head to follow her gaze. Shepard frowned.

"Did something happen to Oriana?" she asked.

"Oh, no, no!" Miranda said, waving her hands, "Ori's fine!" She rose from the desk. Shepard watched her walk over to the window. She stared out at the starscape for a moment before continuing. "No, this has something to do with the Lazarus Project. Or rather, a collateral of the project."

Shepard frowned. Collateral? What did she mean by that? From what Shepard could glean, nothing awry had occurred after her resurrection. Chakwas gave her a clean bill of health, and Miranda herself assured the Commander that both her body and cybernetics were in tip-top shape. The only collateral piece Shepard could think of was the man Miranda shot upon the hectic flight from the station in which Shepard had woken up.

"A collateral?" Shepard echoed.

Miranda nodded. "Yes."

She still didn't turn around. Something about that made Shepard uneasy. If Miranda was behaving this way, then it had to be something huge. Thoughts swirled about in Shepard's mind. What if she wasn't the real Shepard? What if she was a clone? A clone conditioned to believe it was the real thing? Anxiety dripped ice into her veins. Was that it? Was the real Shepard just a frozen corpse floating out in space, and she just the result of a clump of overgrown cells?

Silence stretched between the two women. Thick and heavy, with jagged edges, it pressed down upon Shepard, slicing through her chest in an effort to claw out her thumping heart. Shepard watched Miranda, waiting for the Cerberus officer to continue. She didn't trust herself to speak. She didn't want to ask the question. She didn't want to validate her fears.

Heaving a sigh, Miranda turned from the window. She leaned against the glass and crossed her arms. She tried to hide it, but Shepard could see the tight grip she had on herself.

"Shepard, I need to know: before the destruction of the first Normandy, were you involved with anyone?"

"Involved? Involved how?"

Miranda fidgeted, "Romantically involved, Shepard."

What? What the hell did that have to do with anything? Now it was Shepard's turn to fidget. "Well, I-I mean I was., but I don't see what…" Damn, she was rambling. Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This was not the Alliance, and that person wasn't here. Not like she could get in trouble for fraternization now. Besides, after what went down on Horizon, she was pretty sure he wanted nothing more to do with her. Opening her eyes, Shepard sat up straight and placed her hands in her lap.

"Yes I was. With my lieutenant, Kaidan Alenko."

"Kaidan? The Alliance soldier we mat back on Horizon?"

Shepard nodded.

Miranda looked down, "I see."

"Miranda, what's this all about? Why do you need to know about Kaidan? What does our past relationship have to do with this?"

Miranda sighed. Uncrossing her arms, she walked back to her desk and sat behind it. Back behind the safety of her monitor, she mirrored Shepard's sitting position. This time she met the Commander's gaze.

"During the course of the Lazarus Project we, or should I say I as I was the only person who caught it, discovered something. Shepard, you…" Here Miranda faltered. She resumed her brooding position from earlier. Shepard's nerves were beginning to fray. She wanted Miranda to spit it out already. Given the question Miranda asked, Shepard could assume she was indeed the real her and not a clone, so that was good. But why did Miranda want to know that she and Kaidan had been intimate? Then, the realization hit her. Like a drop of ink onto paper, it hit her mind and spread, dark blotches oozing black all over her thoughts. Shepard stared at Miranda.

"Miranda…"

Miranda nodded, confirming Shepard's unspoken inquiry. "You were pregnant at the time of your death."

Shepard sat back, stunned. Pregnant? She had been pregnant when the Collector ship attacked? Shepard shook her head.

"How is that possible?" she murmured.

"Once we got your vitals back online, we detected elevations in both estrogen and progesterone. Nothing earth-shattering, but they were higher than normal." Miranda explained.

"So I wasn't that far along then."

"No," Miranda replied, "In fact, given the state of fetal development I'd say you were no more than five weeks pregnant."

"Wait, fetal development? You saw it?"

"More than that. We…" she bit her lip, "we extracted it."

Rage flashed through Shepard. A scarlet lightning bolt sizzling in her brain. "You what?! Why would you-"

"Shepard it was dead." Miranda stated. Her dark blue eyes bore deep into Shepard's own. Just as quickly as it had come, the rage evaporated, leaving her mind blank, barren. Miranda continued, "Your body sustained catastrophic damage. It was a bloody miracle we were able to bring _you_ back. Hell, it had already started necrotizing. There was no way it could have continued development. And besides…" Miranda paused.

"It would have interfered with the mission." Shepard finished.

Miranda nodded, "I'm sorry, Commander. I know this must be hard for you."

Shepard said nothing. She rose from the chair and exited Miranda's office. She walked back to the elevator in a daze, barely registering the faces of the soldiers gathered in the mess hall. The ship faded into a fuzz of gray. Muted sounds and blurred images floated past her. She stepped into the elevator, tapping the button for her cabin. The doors slid shut and a moment later, the elevator whirred to life, traveling up the shaft and delivering Shepard to solitude. Once inside her cabin, Shepard stood in the entryway, looking around, her eyes settling on the picture of Kaidan. She sighed.

 _Kaidan…_

Tears blurred her vision. It was unfair. All of it. Her death, Kaidan's mistrust and anger, and now this. Everything had been fine. And then, in the blink of an eye, it had all gone to hell. She had replayed his seething remarks over and over again in her head upon return from Horizon, aching over them, trying to pluck the verbal nails out and move on with her mission, but Miranda's reveal drove the pain in deeper.

Kaidan could have been a father, if not for the Collectors.

Shepard shook her head. No. What was she thinking? That could never have happened. Not on the original Normandy. Not while she was still in command. They would have been reassigned, one or both of them taken off the Normandy, if the Alliance was kind. If not, they would have been stripped of rank and discharged. It was cruel. In some sick, twisted way, Shepard owed the Collectors. Had they not come along and killed her, she would not have been in a position to combat them. A most bitter irony.

Shepard crossed the cabin and plunked down on the bed. Just because she owed the continuation of her career to those monsters didn't mean it was a victory. Gingerly, Shepard splayed a hand across her abdomen. A little life had been growing inside her. A life she wasn't even aware of at the time. Her child. Kaidan's child. Now it was gone. Just a sleeping little dream that never awoke. A ghost of an event that never happened. She didn't even get the chance to say goodbye.

Distraught, Shepard buried her head in her hands. The tears she'd been holding back broke free and spilled down her cheeks as the Commander sobbed over what never was.

 _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

* * *

 **Just a quick little one-shot to get me back into the groove. What did you think? Drop me a line!**


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